Grief. And Yet...

Grief.

What does that even mean?

Can its meaning really even be put into words?
How can we accurately define something we all end up experiencing that is so bad, horrific, confusing, debilitating, life-changing, exhausting and yet…

We can sometimes use it to become a better person (or that’s what I’ve been told).

For me, grief has meant
new brow wrinkles, dark eye-circles, stomach ulcers…..

lost friendships, new friendships…..

confusion, foggy thoughts….

an unorganized house, unfulfilled commitments….

lots of anxiety, awful depression….

And yet,

Grief has also meant more intense Bible study, a better commitment to Bible study, a better understanding of who the one true God is, a new knowledge of what worship means, a definite understanding that I am no better than anyone else unless I am clothed in Christ’s righteousness….

A relationship with my husband that cannot be matched, a bigger determination to raise my children in a way that prepares them for real life in this world, a determination to keep Christ as the center of my family’s and my world….

A desire to appreciate the simple and uncomplicated things in life (boredom is good!)….

A desire to encourage others who are going through times of grief or suffering, painful maturing
or temptations….

An overwhelming yearning to please my Lord.

There have been many times over the past 7 years that I’ve wondered about my future.

Often, the pressure I felt in my chest was so sickening and burdensome I wasn’t sure I could keep breathing.
I also tried hard not to cry in an effort to shield my son from any added grief of his own, but this led to me suffering from terrible digestive struggles. 

I have often prayed that God would allow me to survive so that I wouldn’t bring
on more grief for my husband and son.

Thankfully, I had someone(s) who needed me.

This all seemed intolerable most of the time.

But as I look back over my quick summary of what grief has meant to me, it’s clear…

the benefits of grief have far surpassed the challenges.

I will acknowledge, however, that living with grief is not as simple as listing off the pros and cons of it.

The death of my son is still just as agonizing to me today as it was in 2006.

The memory of it causes my hands to tremble so much right now that it’s difficult to type.

 

 

But God has been so loving...tender...unmoving in teaching me how to cope and adapt to my new life without my baby boy.

I'm a slow learner sometimes, but He is patient and kind.

So how do we get through this experience someone entitled grief?

What gives anyone the right to put a name to something so loathsome, each of the 5 stages so agonizing?

How do I and those living with and around me survive my denial and isolation, my anger, my bargaining, my depression?
How will we all know when I switch to the next stage or will I just unexpectedly switch, hurting everyone in my path?
Will I ever truly be able to reach the final stage of acceptance?
Maybe I’ll be the only person not to go through every stage, but everyone who cares about me will expect me to and I’ll have to live under their expectations.
Or maybe I’ll get stuck in one stage and just be forced to live there for the rest of my life.

What torturous thoughts I've had.

We are all different.
We all think differently.
We all grieve differently.
We all have different circumstances that brought us to this place in life.

So how can I help you?
How can you help me?
How can we find comfort anywhere?
If we’re all so different how are we going to reach acceptance?

What a lost and confusing thought process.

We do all have One thing in common.

We were all created by God, the Creator.
And this God, the Creator, made us to bring Himself glory.

We are to worship Him in all that we do…
this includes the dreaded grief.

This is where we can all find comfort.
Grief often causes confusion, insecurities, depression, loss of interest, hopelessness, anxiety, anger, and so on and so on.
 
I think I may have struggled with all of these over the past 7 years frequently.

One of my secrets for getting my head out of this muck is to use my mouth to say worshipful things to my God. (I want to go into this more, but I’m going to wait until next time.)

Thank you for joining me.
 
What you are going through is important to me and I’d like to hear about it sometime.
 
I’d like to leave you with one of my favorite verses before I sign off. 
It comes from Philippians 4:8…

“Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things
are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things
are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if
there is anything praiseworthy---meditate on these things.”

Much love,
Susan